Airport Pickup - 1) a binding social contract to pick someone up at the airport 2) a commitment (to pick a someone up at the airport) that someone makes after foolishly betting a friend on something that they have no chance of attaining (ex. a short man betting that he can jump up and touch an awning)
Anti-Dentite - someone who is prejudiced
against people of the dental profession
Assman - 1) a Proctologist 2) a person who
displays his/her name on vanity license
plates.
Astronaut Pen - 1) a pen that is capable of
writing from an upside down position 2) a pen
that a crabby old man from a retirement
community gives to someone, with the hopes of
creating nasty gossip, before Degifting the
pen
Bad Breaker-Upper - someone who ends a
relationship by saying mean things that
people don't generally mean - but means them
Bald Paradise - a period of the 1930's when
all men wore hats so women wouldn't notice
that they were bald or had unattractive hair
Ball Man Experiment - when an out of work,
good for nothing, and unlikely candidate for
a job as a ball man (boy), gets a job as a
ball man (boy) at the US Open Tennis
Championships (and injures a top-seeded lady
tennis player in the process)
Beef-A-Reeno - a canned pasta dish (similar
to Chef Boy-Ar-Dee) that is bought in large
cans from warehouse clubs, and then fed to
horses, who in turn emit a foul odor
Big Salad (Taking Credit for a) - when a
person hands another person a large salad,
and takes credit for getting that person a
salad, when in reality the person handing
over the salad never actually paid for it
(someone else did)
Big-Toe Captain, The - a failed comic bit
about how the big toe is the captain of the
other toes on the foot, written by an
out-of-work comic wannabe
Bipartisan Mirror - a mirror that is situated
in a clothing store with the intention of
making a customer look better than they
actually are, when they are trying on clothes
"Bizzaro" Jerry (or any proper name)- 1) the
exact opposite of everything that is
associated (ie. his/her friends, mannerisms,
the layout of his/her apartment, etc.) with a
given person 2) when a person (usually a
loser) does the exact opposite of everything
he/she usually does to realize success (and
sometimes failure)
Boombox Incident - when a short, stocky, and
balding man takes a teenager's boombox away
at the beach for playing it too loudly, and
tosses it into the ocean
Break-up By Association - what happens when a
man and woman break up, and the man's friends
no longer associate with the woman
Breathtaking - what to say about a person (or
baby), when trying to be polite (especially
when you don't mean it)
Bubble Boy - 1) a foul-mouthed, bratty boy
with an Immune Deficiency Blood disorder who
must live inside a plastic bubble to keep him
in a germ-free environment 2) the same brat
who enjoys squashing people at Trivial
Pursuit
Buck Naked - what a man might call himself
under the following conditions; a) he is
trying to convince his mother that he isn't
gay, but is a porno actor under that name, b)
he is trying to convince his girlfriend that
he is gay, so they can break up (only she
doesn't believe him, hence he tries to turn
her off by telling her that he is a porno
actor under that name)
Call-Waiting Face Off - when a person has two
people on the telephone line via
call-waiting, and has to decide which phone
call is more important, and which person
should clear the line
Caught in a Pick at the Light - when a person
is waiting in their car at a traffic light
and decides to scratch the outside of their
nose, where it appears (to their date, who
just happens to be in the car or cab next to
them) that they are actually picking their
nose
Cell Phone Walk and Talk - when a person
calls to convey their concern (for a friend's
sick relative), but callously calls from a
cellular phone on the street out of
convenience
Certifiably Nice - when a person goes to an
extreme to be nice to other people (ex.
taking members of the older generation to a
museum or theater)
Chucker - a person who never passes the ball
on a basketball court, but always hogs the
ball and shoots
Cleaner - a person with an extremely
voracious appetite who can be depended on to
polish off (eat) an enormous amount of
unwanted muffin stumps
Close Talker - one who speaks to a person at
point blank range (usually with both peoples'
noses less than a foot away from the other)
Coffee Table Book, The (About Coffee Tables)
- 1) a book that illustrates the coffee
tables of famous celebrities, and is meant to
be kept on one's coffee table 2) the same
book with fold out legs so it can be used as
a coffee table
Comedians' Revenge - when a comedian, who has
been heckled by a member of the audience,
takes revenge on that person by going to
their place of work and heckles them back
Compact jeans- denim jeans designed for
petite figures ("Only people with small rear
ends should be allowed to wear compact
jeans", according to a certain warped
stand-up comedian)
Covenant of the Keys - when a neighbor is
entrusted with a set of keys in case one gets
locked out of their apartment. The covenant
provides the following ;
Curse Toast - when a petty, stupid person
gives a best man's toast and inundates it
with vile curse words, prompting the schmuck
to be thrown out of the reception by the
bride's father
Date Implied, A - when a man/woman knows that
it is a given that he/she has a definite date
(without having to ask) on a certain day of
the week with the person that he/she is
seeing
Dating Loophole - 1) when a man intentionally
loses a dinner bet to a woman so that he can
avoid actually asking her out on a date (this
way he can avoid possibly being rejected) 2)
any time a man takes a woman out to dinner
and/or a movie without formally asking her
for a date
Deaf Date - when one person is fixed up with
another person, has seen that person's
picture, but has never spoken to him/her
Deep Fried in Chocolate Sauce - a figure of
speech to use when accusing someone of
collaborating with someone else who appears
to have a grudge against a fast food
restaurant, but secretly likes their food
(grammatical ex. "You wouldn't eat broccoli
if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce")
Degift - 1) to take back a gift that was
previously given to someone (such as Super
Bowl tickets) 2) an Indian giver
Delicate Genius - 1) a highly touted
professional (such as a doctor or lawyer) who
would not think of talking business outside
of business hours 2) a doctor who would
charge a patient for a visit if they did not
show up (and did not call to cancel), yet
would not think twice about going skiing on a
day that that doctor had a full schedule of
appointments
Double-Dipping - when a person dips a snack
chip into a dip, takes a bite, and then dips
again with the same bitten chip ("it's like
putting your whole mouth right in the
dip!!!")
Drake, The - 1) everybody's mutual friend 2)
a friend that drives everyone to a point of
resentment (ex. by accepting an engagement
gift, then breaking off the engagement and
keeping the gift)
Dry Cleaner's Code, The - a code of ethics
that a dry cleaning proprietor must follow.
They are ;
Executive, The - a beltless and loopless
trenchcoat or raincoat
Face Painter - 1) when an avid sports fan
paints his/her face to show support for their
favorite team 2) an avid New Jersey Devil's
fan who scares the wits out of Priests with
their painted face and shouting "Go Devils"
in the street
Femininas - a term for beautiful women at the
beach who are condom worthy (the opposite of
sponge worthy)
Festivus - a make believe holiday made up by
a bitter, bickering head of a family, who
uses the holiday as his/her vehicle to attack
those (and their employers) close to him
519 - Los Angeles police lingo used as a code
word for when someone is being suspected of
breaking into an automobile [especially for
people who a) look like they used to have a
pet black bear on a TV show, b) are scraggly
looking yet are generous tippers to
chambermaids, c) think Ann Landers sucks, and
d) turn out to be mass-murderers]
Flagged - 1) a book (usually an expensive
one) that cannot be returned or offered for
charity because it was read in the bathroom
while performing number two 2) a toilet book
Forbidden City -1) a place where a socially
unacceptable, short, stocky bald man might go
to meet gorgeous (model caliber) women 2) a
place where attractive women hang out that
also doubles as a meat-packing plant
Fudge Distribution - the idea that one should
eat a sundae from the bottom up (knowing full
well that the fudge drips to the bottom), so
that there is an even amount of fudge and ice
cream eaten in every bite
Fusilli Jerry - 1) a model of comedian Jerry
Seinfeld that was made out of Fusilli pasta
2) something that a Proctologist occasionally
takes out of one's rear end
Germophobe - a person who is very susceptible
to another person's germs, and is very
fanatical about it (especially against people
who sleep around, rub certain body parts
against computer keyboards, or prepare dinner
while simultaneously taking a shower)
Get Out - what a super-tough woman might say
to her friends in complete surprise (while at
the same time shoving them to the ground)
Giddyap - 1) what a cowboy would say to a
horse to get it to start walking 2) what a
tall man with funny hair says when excited,
instead of "All Right" or "Cool, Man"
Gortex - a material which makes up a very
heavy winter coat that would make one look
like the Michelin Tire man
Grace - 1) what people say at the dinner
table to give thanks for their food 2) a
certain nice quality about a person, much
like Jackie Onassis 3) what to tell an
employee that they have in order to get them
to do menial labor (such as sharpening
pencils, getting their mail, or getting them
cotton socks)
Hand Fruit - a type of fruit which is
normally eaten out of a person's hand, such
as; apples, pears, Hampton Tomatoes, or
onions (for people who are nearsighted)
Having Hand - 1) having the upper hand in a
relationship 2) needing your hand when you
don't have any relationship
Head-First Parker - 1) a person who tries to
pull into a parking space head first as
opposed to backing into the space 2) a person
who pulls into a parking space head first
with the intention of screwing someone else
out of the space
Hello Newman - a typical greeting to a pudgy
and extremely irritating person for whom one
really does not want to talk to
High Talker - 1) a man with a very high voice
2) a man who gives the impression of being a
woman over the telephone
Hipster Doofus - 1) a tall, lanky, goofball
who suggests to his/her friends that they
should park in a handicap spot, knowing full
well that it is wrong 2) the same goofball
who is dumped by a handicapped woman for
being (you guessed it) a Hipster Doofus
Home-Bed Advantage - the confident feeling
one gets while making love in one's own
surroundings
"I Love You" Return - when a person in a
relationship says "I Love You to his/her
significant other and gets an "I Love You,
Too" in return
"I think it moved" - 1) what a man (who has
doubts about his sexuality) might say after
reluctantly getting a massage from another
man, and after the masseuse accidentally
touches the private area - 2) what a short
bald man may say after eating fresh food.
"It Didn't Take" - a twerpy man's explanation
for his ex-girlfriend's short-lived
experimentation with lesbianism that he drove
her to
It Girl, The - the girl/woman in school that
everyone wants to date
It's Not You, It's Me - what a grown man, who
is unemployed and living with his parents,
would say to his girlfriend if she ever
wondered where she (or their relationship)
went wrong
Jerk Store - a phrase that is used as part of
a put-down by a naive person who can't think
of any better put-downs to use (ex. "The Jerk
Store called, and they said that they ran out
of you")
Jimmy Legs (or Arms) - what a man or woman
has when they thrash about in bed and strike
their sleeping partner, causing the couple to
separate into twin beds (see "I Love Lucy")
Kavorka, The - a Latvian Orthodox phrase
which means "the lure of the animal", which
usually can be cured with a garlic necklace
Key Brothers - friends who exchange each
others' apartment or house keys, with the
provisal that they follow the key covenant
(see Covenant of the Keys)
Kibosh - 1) when someone (wearing a
motorcycle helmet, no less) gets
karate-kicked in the head by a crazed
individual 2) when three thugs get the crap
beaten out of them for picking a fight with a
crazed individual, who is dressed like a
clown and headed to the opera "Pagliacci"
Kiss Hello - a very annoying habit that some
people have of kissing a person as part of an
informal hello greeting (especially women
with funny looking hairdos)
Latvian Orthodox - 1) a Protestant branch of
Christianity where the congregation is
predominantly of Latvian descent 2) a
religion in which the priest or minister
wears a funny trapezoidal shaped hat on
his/her head during a service 3) a religion
in which they ask people to wear garlic
necklaces to make themselves unattractive to
clergy people of the Latvian Orthodox
Leave Behind, The - when an unattractive,
confidence-lacking man, leaves something
behind at his date's house, hoping that he'll
have a reason to go back to her house and ask
for another date
Level Jumping (on a friendship) - when casual
acquaintances attempt to become better
friends with certain acquaintances (ex.
asking an acquaintance to be a godparent to
one's child/children)
Library Cop - a gung ho, hardened former
police officer who is deputized as a library
law enforcer by the NY Public Library, and
chases down library delinquents (especially
if their book was overdue in excess of 20
years)
Little Kicks - a horrendous dance performed
by a seemingly attractive woman, in which she
completely turns off coworkers and friends
alike
Look to the Cookie - the theory that a black
and white cookie could create racial harmony
among the different races in the human race
Low Talker - 1) a woman who speaks in a very
low (sometimes sub-sonic) voice 2) a woman
who speaks in a low, inaudible tone in order
to trick some-body into wearing a funny
looking shirt on a nationally televised talk
show
Macaroni Midler - a figurine of Bette Midler
made out of wavy macaroni (similar to
"Fusilli Jerry")
Magic Loogie - when someone spits at someone
else in contempt, and the following happens;
the spit hits the first person, then makes a
right turn in midair (mind you) and hits a
second person in the shoulder, causing
him/her to drop their baseball cap
Man-hands - 1) a very attractive woman who
has very masculine hands 2) a woman who
possesses brute strength in her hands so she
can break open a lobster barehanded, or break
a man's wrist for going into her pocketbook
Manziere - a bra created for older men who
have excess flab in the upper chest area and
give the appearance of having breasts
Massage Tease - a masseuse who refuses to
give massages to their boyfriend/girlfriend,
yet would not think twice about having sex
with them or giving massages to strangers
Matzo Ball - 1) a dumpling made out of matzo
meal that is served in chicken soup for
Passover 2) what a person feels like after
saying "I Love You" to another person and not
getting the "I Love You" Return
Mimbo - 1) a male bimbo 2) an Italian stud
who has bad luck rock climbing
Moops - the name of the ethnic group of
people who invaded Spain in the 8th century,
according to a Trivial Pursuit misprint (they
are called "Moors" according to Webster's
Dictionary)
Moses Smell the Roses - an exclamation that
someone makes when they witness a person
about to shave with butter, and then proceeds
to sunbathe in it as well
Mulva - what to call your current girlfriend
if you can't remember her name
Must-Lie Situation - when a person feels that
they cannot tell the truth to someone else
for fear of offending them (ex #1 calling
one's baby "Breathtaking", ex #2 not being
able to tell someone that their hairdo is
pre-1960's or just plain hideous)
Nip - a nickname given to a woman who has
Christmas cards with her picture printed up,
but doesn't realize that one of her nipples
is exposed in the picture
Non-Pony Country - 1) a country where people
in general do not own ponies 2) a country
where young whipper-snappers insult elderly
people who previously owned a pony as a child
Non-Sexual Crush - when a non-cool person has
platonic infatuation for a cool person
(usually a stud) of the same sex
"Not that there's anything wrong with it" - a
phrase that people usually say about
homosexuality, after denying that they
themselves are homosexuals
Opening the Vault - 1) telling someone
someone else's secret 2) spilling the beans
Pig-Man - 1) half man, half pig 2) a short
bald mental patient with a pinkish complexion
(ex. Elmer Fudd), who tends to grunt or
squeal alot
Pimple Popper, M.D. - a putdown for a
Dermatologist who gives the illusion that
he/she actually saves lives
Pre-Emptive Break-up - when a man anticipates
that his girlfriend is going to break up with
him, so he breaks up with her first (so that
he can have hand)
Pretend Marriage - when a man and a woman
pretend that they are married in order to get
discounts on their dry cleaning
Public Fornicator - a porno actor/actress,
who sometimes goes by the name Buck Naked
Puffy Shirt, The - 1) a funny looking white
shirt with ruffles in the front, and puffy
looking long sleeves, similar to what pirates
would wear 2) what to wear when being a guest
on a TV talk show
Put In, The - the length of time one has to
keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison
Putting Something in the Vault - promising
someone to keep something a secret
1) thou shalt not use the keys to obtain food
from thy neighbors' refrigerator
2) thou shalt not use thy neighbors' bathroom
unless first asking permission (even if yours
is broken)
3) thou definitely shalt not be in thy
neighbors' apartment when said neighbor is
bringing home a date
4) if thy covenant is broken, then the
offending party must pack up his/her
belongings and move to California where
he/she will probably end up being accused of
murder (see The Ten Commandments )
1) thou shalt not wear a customer's clothing
(sport jackets and fur coats included) out on
the town
2) the dry cleaning business is not a
personal closet for either the dry cleaner or
his wife
3) tis a damned fool to borrow a customer's
sport jacket and leave a movie ticket stub in
the pocket
4) beware of angry golfers/customers who
suffered a penalty stroke earlier in the day
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