Top 248 Ways to
1. Specify that your drive-thru
order is "to go."
2. If you have a glass
eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Start each meal by conspicuously
licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will
"swipe your grub."
4. Name your dog "Dog."
5. Insist on keeping your
car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to
keep them tuned up."
6. Reply to everything
someone says with "that's what you think."
7. Claim that you must
always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut
8. Follow a few paces behind
someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
9. Make beeping noises
when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection
to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with
the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on
your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others
that you "like it that way."
12. Tell 1-800 operators
they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector
strips into people's backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products
in inaccessible places.
15. Order a side of pork
rinds with your fillet mignon.
16. Change channels five
minutes before the end of every show.
17. Tape pieces of "Sweating
to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
18. Decline to be seated
at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by
the cash register.
19. Buy a large quantity
of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone
says as a question.
21. Write "X - BURIED
TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
22. Inform everyone you
meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson
23. Repeat the following
conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?",
"Never mind, it's gone now."
24. Light road flares on
a birthday cake.
25. Wander around a restaurant,
asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the Laundromat,
use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's
shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender
29. Lick the filling out
of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about
trivial things such as the time of day.
32. Leave your Christmas
lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to
"John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that
people pronounce each "a."
34. Sit in your front yard
pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
35. Chew on pens that you've
36. Wear a lot of cologne.
37. Listen to 33RPM records
at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because
of your "superior mental processing."
38. Sing along at the opera.
39. Mow your lawn with
40. At a golf tournament,
41. Ask the waitress for
an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
42. Go to a poetry recital
and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
43. Ask your co-workers
mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
44. Select the same song
on the jukebox fifty times.
45. Construct elaborate
"crop circles" in your front lawn.
46. Make appointments for
the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people
to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine
set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of
all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
50. Stomp on little plastic
51. Practice making fax
and modem noises.
52. Highlight irrelevant
information in scientific papers and "cc." them to
53. Finish all your sentences
with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
54. Signal that a conversation
is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen
and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
56. Holler random numbers
while someone is counting.
57. Staple papers in the
middle of the page.
58. Publicly investigate
just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
61. type only in lowercase.
62. dont use any punctuation
63. As much as possible,
skip rather than walk.
64. Try playing the William
Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly
done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the
Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and
66. Tell people their accent
isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available
68. Write the surprise
ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random
70. Learn Morse code and
have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep
bip bip beeeep bip.."
71. Buy large quantities
of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
72. Leave your Nine Inch
Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly
73. Dress only in clothes
colored Hunter's Orange.
74. Wear your pants backwards.
75. Begin all your sentences
with "Ohh la la!"
76. Rouse your roommates
from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine
77. Leave someone's printer
in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner
79. Tie jingle bells to
all your clothes.
80. Repeat everything someone
says, as a question.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian
82. Demand that everyone
address you as "Conquistador."
83. Push all the flat Lego
pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas caroling,
sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically
85. Wear a cape that says
86. Finish the 99 bottles
of beer song.
87. Sing the "This
is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
88. Leave your turn signal
on for fifty miles.
89. Pretend your mouse
is a CB radio, and talk into it.
90. Drive half a block.
91. Inform others that
they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian
accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was
a "real hoot."
94. Routinely handcuff
yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want
to fall off "in case the big one comes."
95. Deliberately hum songs
that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz
Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers
96. Invent nonsense computer
jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid
the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to "interface"
98. Incessantly recite
annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
99. Stare at static on
the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
100. Scuff your feet on
a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact.
103. Construct your own
pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with
it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play
account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell
105. Occasionally bark
in a high-pitched voice.
106. Say "okay, you're
gay" to anything someone says.
107. As people talk, smell
108. When in a conversation,
look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't
109. Say to people, "Did
you wear deodorant today?"
110. Place your shoes on
111. When talking to someone,
look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near
a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but
do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it
113. Switch your neighbor's
lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and
tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask
the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavor
of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each
117. Pick your ear wax
and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely
ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong
120. Wear odd shoes.
121. Learn "Ice Ice
Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Disagree strongly
with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people
walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the
TV channel every two seconds.
125. Insist that Celine
Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Whenever anyone says
something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely
127. Phone McDonald's and
try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend
pretending you are R2-D2.
129. Phone random numbers
and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000
decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary,
131. Pretend you
have gone completely deaf.
132. .sdrawkcab etirW
133. Walk into people's
houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help
yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that
people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's
most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric
guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you
to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain
again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn
137. Try to fit the word
"cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong
side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to
play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano.
Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's
Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I
must kinda be a natural."
140. Go canoeing and sing
the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Claim that until recently,
you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards
and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
143. Go to a Metallica
concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Tell everyone you
are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people
walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life
to politics, become president of the United States, then raise
all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke
in one drink and then burp loudly.
148. Insist that it was
Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Bark like a dog whenever
anyone says the word "the."
150. Wire up people's cars
so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to
152. E-mail Microsoft to
tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for
about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them.
Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible
theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble
during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser
to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's
156. When in a chat room,
spell everything incorrectly.
157. Insist on "Weird
158. On a hot summer day,
ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt
159. When walking down
a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white
and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone
eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice.
Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've
been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!"
Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk
to yourself constantly.
163. Move people's bookmarks
ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator.
When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks,
165. Go to a gumball machine
insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs.
After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight
Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs
and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled
over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was
here a minute ago, officer!"
166. On a night other than
Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from
Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
167. After visiting the
local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in
a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into
someone's cream-filled donut. (I don't get this one.)
169. Spread fertilizer
on half your neighbor's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat)
to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.
173. Add blank entries
to lists, to make it look like it's longer.
174. Call every pager number
you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the
trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back
177. Tell people their
fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner.
Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in
a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are
you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
180. Put electrical tape
over the headlights of someone's car.
181. Walk up to random
strangers insisting you are family.
182. Dress like a "High-class
rich person" and wash windows at random street corners.
Demand a dollar in a British accent.
183. When a cop pulls you
over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and
make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
184. In an office, lock
all the doors behind you.
185. Face the back
when standing in an elevator.
186. Grin so wide it hurts
your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
187. When at an ATM, try
to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card.
(This works best if there's a line.)
188. Unbend all the paperclips
you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber
189. Ask people to prove
everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..."
190. Sharpen All your pencils
to the same size EXACTLY.
191. Answer every question
with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement
instead of a question, shout "I win!".
192. Pose as a client at
a bank or other professional institution, and when you are
seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the
items on top into different patterns and tell them
you are "just reorganizing things."
193. Instead of singing
99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer
on the wall!
194. Call every girl you
195. Recite every song
from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
196. Bring a portable CD
player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that
it is "Just better quality"
197. Press the "power"
button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost
finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely,
claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
198. Call 911 and breathe
199. Take a shower. Feel
guilty. Give it back.
200. Mow your carpet. (Or
preferably somebody else's)
201. Vacuum your lawn.
(See note on 200)
202. Recite shakespearian
poetry to everyone you meet.
203. Go to McDonalds and
ask for a BK Whopper.
204. Order a pizza and
ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time"
in an exasperated voice.
205. Every time someone
asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is
that a threat?"
206. When in an elevator,
in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch
as you get there, no one gets off.
207. Also, when riding
up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone
knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do
not start singing, insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are
208. While walking make
car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
209. Whenever somebody
says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When
they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation
means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
210. Go up to a someone
and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?"
And then walk away very quickly.
211. Finish each sentence
with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
212. Click your mechanical
pencils or your pens during a test in school.
213. Pretend you are invisible.
214. Convince people you
are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
215. Spend all day at a
fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have
to pay for your "free" refills.
216. Continuously open
your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough
air in there?"
217. While going down in
an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!"
for no apparent reason.
218. Call everyone a communist.
219. Explain "the
little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't
believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
220.. Call your neighbors
221. Whenever someone finishes
a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
222. Page yourself over
an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
223. Send people annoying
chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you
don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly"
and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
224. When walking push
an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
225. Walk up to random
people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin
226. Clear your throat
every three or four words while speaking.
227. Look at your hand
in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
228. While driving if you
see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number
and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
229. When driving with
companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes
and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
230. When driving with
companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes
and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
231. Whenever anybody says
anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
232. Sending this list
to all of your friends through email. :-)
233. Continue to ask someone,
"Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over
234. Tap someone on the
235. Begin every sentence
with, "By the Gods!"
236. When you're in an
argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't
see your name on it!".
237. When in public, pretend
you are selling something in an infomercial.
238. At a restaurant, repeatedly
send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that,
"This isn't what I ordered!"
239. Go to a shoe store
and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in
buying shoes and leave.
240. Put powdered sugar
in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head
241. Turn on the Talk Radio
Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
242. Walk around with a
plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge
the death of my father."
243. Scotch tape your door
as an Anti-theft Device.
244. Super Glue quarters
245. Put the wrong date
and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
246. Call random numbers
and say "Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can
name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop."
247. WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL
LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!
248. Get two cell phones
and talk to yourself on them in front of other people