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Verily Verily I Say Unto Thee!
"How
To Take A Wife"
according
to The Holy Bible
#1 - Find an attractive
prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails,
and give her new clothes. You then own her.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13) See among the
captives a beautiful woman, and have a desire for her and would
take her as a wife for yourself, then you shall shave her head
and trim her nails. She shall also remove her clothes and shall
remain in your house, and you may go in to her and be her husband
and she shall be your wife.
#2
- Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3) the Lord said to Hosea,
"Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children
of harlotry."
#3 - Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman
as part of the deal.
(Ruth 4:5-10) Moreover, along with
this land, I have traded for Ruth the Moabitess, the widow of
Mahlon, to be my wife.
#4 - Pick the dancer you like.
(Judges 21:19-25) The sons of Benjamin
took wives according to their number from those who danced, whom
they carried away.
#5 - Cut off 200 foreskins of soldiers to get a wife.
(I Samuel 18:27) David struck down
two hundred men among the Philistines. Then David brought their
foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king, that
he might become the king's son-in-law. So Saul gave him Michal
his daughter for a wife.
#6 - Hold
a beauty contest, and pick your favorite.
(Esther 2:3) "They gather every beautiful young virgin to
the citadel of Susa, to the harem, and let their cosmetics be
given them. Then let the young lady who pleases the king be queen
in place of Vashti.
#7 - Spot
a woman you like, and demand your parents get her for you.
(Judges 14:2) So he came back and told his father and mother,
"I saw a woman in Timnah, one of the daughters of the Philistines;
now therefore, get her for me as a wife."
#8 - Snoop
on her bathing, send your henchmen to take her.
(2 Samuel 11) David arose from his bed and walked around on the
roof of the king's house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing;
and the woman was very beautiful in appearance. David sent messengers
and took her, and when she came to him, he lay with her; she
became his wife; then she bore him a son.
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