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The Way Things Will Be
When Men Finally Rule The World
Any fake phone number a girl
gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your
watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love
you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry,
what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really
needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little
box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot
easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get
'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in
ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would
be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office
would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but
I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse
for tardiness.
At the end of the workday,
a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide
down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like
Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless
fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage
a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens
from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier
to rent.
Garbage would take itself
out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd
get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement
ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand
that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved
to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw
your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
St. Patrick's Day, however,
would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every
month.
"Cops" would be
broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing
cops Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would
be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge
for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday
Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From
A Different Camera Angle."
It would be perfectly legal
to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following
day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real
"Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
Faucets would run "Hot,"
"Cold," and "100 proof."
Daisy Duke shorts would never
again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically
cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
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