I believe you should live
each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any
clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life?
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard
rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told
him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go
to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him.
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."
Unless it was just a lawn mower.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found
my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already
gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside
a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a
couple of days saved up.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine
if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
biggest number you could come up with!
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in
fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really
needed them, right?
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be until the looting started.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who
likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10
No person really decides before
they Grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
--Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET
Twenty-three is the best age
because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married
at. You Got to be a fool to get
--Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF
TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based
on Whether they seem to be yelling at the
--Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM
AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON
Dates are for having fun,
and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just
tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST
DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead.
The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam,
The law says you have to be
eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
--Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If
you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
I don't know which is better,
but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
--Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be
single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT
IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot
of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE
Tell your wife that she looks
pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10
"Momentum: What you give
a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth
surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery
"Vacuum: A large, empty
space where the pope lives."
"Respiration is composed
of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"Dew is formed on leaves
when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution
is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow
in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The skeleton is what
is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides
have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth
consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight
"A fossil is an extinct
animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A menagerie
lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become
a naturalized German."
"H2O is hot water, and
CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of
sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"The moon is a planet
just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"When you smell an oderless
gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found
in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Liter: A nest of young
"Magnet: Something you
find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Before giving a blood
transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from
the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put
the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the
dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill
"For asphyxiation: Apply
artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
As You Shall Make Your Bed
So Shall You........ Mess It Up.
Strike While The........ Bug
It's Always Darkest Before........
Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power
You Can Lead A Horse To Water
Don't Bite The Hand That...
No News Is........ Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A........
You Can't Teach An Old Dog
If You Lie Down With The Dogs,
You'll........Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust........ Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The........
An Idle Mind Is........ The
Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's........
Happy The Bride Who........
Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is........ Not
Two's Company, Three's........
Laugh And The Whole World
Laughs With You, Cry And......You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And
Not........ Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed........
Get New Batteries.
When The Blind Leadeth The
Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.
Listen to your brain. It has
lots of information.
Sleep in your clothes so you'll
be dressed in the morning.
Forget the cake, go for the
Never let a cat mind your
Never smart off to a teacher
whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Don't ever be too full for
Never trust a dog to watch
Never do pranks at a police
Never spit when on a roller
When you want something expensive,
ask your grandparents.
Never tell your little brother
that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Don't pick on your sister
when she's holding a baseball bat.
Never dare your little brother
to paint the family car.
When you get a bad grade in
school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Never tell your mom her diet's
When your dad is mad and asks
you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.