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An impromptu Press Conference was held recently with God in Panama City, Florida. This is a transcript of God's answers. Unfortunately, microphones weren't working among the press corps, so we only have God's answers on audiotape, but not the questions He was asked...


All these statements are from God:

"I have no idea where that fish thing came from. If I was going to make a secret symbol, I would have used the hydrogen atom, or maybe the number eight lying on it's side as the symbol for infinity, not a fish. And the Cross, why is everybody so hung up on that? It's like a guillotine or an electric chair. Why are you all wearing something morbid like that around your necks?"

 

"Here's how you cure cancer: make it more cool for a kid to grow up to be a scientist than it is for him to be an athlete or a Pop Star. That's how you cure cancer. Also, teach your girls to dig scientists, that'll do it."


"In 6 days? Define "day". Back then a day lasted until I was done."


"You can travel to other planets after you learn to take care of this one."


"Ha! Aliens don't believe in you, either. In fact, countless trillions upon trillions of aliens don't believe in you. And they don't care, either! But they were rooting for the chick on American Idol."

 

"Rosary Beads are a crutch. And so is the wafer. Move on."

 

"He was guilty as hell, but the cops did plant the glove by the fence and Nicole's blood on the sock."

"No, you can never travel through time. It's a problem with physics, it won't work. If it did, everybody would be going back to meet Jesus and he'd never get any work done."

 

"Yes, I loved that one. Jesus was great! Ask Pat Robertson to die for Me, see how far you'd get! Heck, most of you wouldn't even attend church if it didn't have air conditioning. And how come you fly the flags of football teams on your cars, but not God Flags? I'd accept Jesus Flags, even Heaven Flags, but you never see that. I'm hurt. What good are the Green Bay Packers going to do for you? It makes no sense."

 

"The Jews are not 'chosen' they're just smarter than their enemies, that's all there is to it. Jews put much more emphasis on science, and whoever knows the most about science wins. It's that simple."

 

"It took me years to get him to figure that out. I was planting E=MC2 in Einstein's dreams for 20 years before he finally got it."

 

"Coming back? Am I coming back? I never left!  Think about it, I'm everywhere. How can I go away?"

 

It was a weather balloon with lifesize anamorphically correct dummies with tin foil that wouldn't stay squished. Yes, the Air Force was 100% on that one (and I didn't make little green apples).

 

"If the Bible was My Word, I would have put my name on it and I wouldn't let it be rewritten a million different ways. The Bible was supposed to be a nice storybook about happy things and some poetry and some history. Now look at it. There are more books explaining what I supposedly meant in the Bible than there are Bibles. Read some Clive Cussler for a change, those are fantastic adventure stories."

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"Nostradamus was a hoot. Hister! Ha! I liked that one. I truly enjoyed much of his poetry, and I should have had him work on the Bible, it would've been more entertaining.

 

"Revelations was written by John while he was hopped up on wacky weed. Don't read anything into it."


"Here's a clue: if any person claims to be acting in MY name, but is making a ton of money doing it, he's a fraud. I don't need money. Mother Theresa is the only one recently I can recall who had my stamp of approval. "

 

Jerry Falwell is a nut, and I can prove it."

 


"And that reminds me, I'm going to be issuing Man of God I.D. cards soon, and precious few of your ministers are going to get one. It's time to get serious about this before organized religion blasts you all back into the dark ages."

 


"My 'Ways' are only mysterious because you spend all your time following celebrities instead of studying science. Every answer is in quantum physics and DNA. Figure it out. How old is the Earth? Ask the Earth. How come nobody is asking me if it will ever be possible to fly? Because you figured that one out already! Same with the others."


"Koran? Never heard of it."


"You are still only using 10% of your brain. When you get to 50%, you'll figure out what I mean by 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness'."


"If I answered that, you wouldn't spend enough time living prior to death."


"Daddy drank because you cried. (The person thinking of that question understands, the rest of you never mind.)"


"It was big all right, but there was no "bang". Sound can't travel in a vacuum, brainiac."

 

"You called them miracles, I called them Magic Tricks. Again, it's just physics. Figure it out."

 


"Really, that's it. One last question... Yes, the future will be exactly like Star Trek. Do you think Gene Roddenberry dreamt all that up by himself? I HolyGhost-wrote most of the episodes."


"That's all... thank you very much. Just remember what I said... what?, I would never let Satan buy somebody's soul, Tiger is just damn good. Goodbye everybody!"

Copyright 2002 Linky & Dinky Enterprises

 

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