cool stuff like this every week!
Linky & Dinky at home...
Press Conference was held recently with God in Panama City, Florida.
This is a transcript of God's answers. Unfortunately, microphones
weren't working among the press corps, so we only have God's answers on audiotape, but not the questions
He was asked...
All these statements are
"I have no
idea where that fish thing came from. If I was going to make a
secret symbol, I would have used the hydrogen atom, or maybe the
number eight lying on it's side as the symbol for infinity, not
a fish. And the Cross, why is everybody so hung up on that? It's
like a guillotine or an electric chair. Why are you all wearing
something morbid like that around your necks?"
you cure cancer: make it more cool for a kid to grow up to be
a scientist than it is for him to be an athlete or a Pop Star.
That's how you cure cancer. Also, teach your girls to dig scientists,
that'll do it."
days? Define "day". Back then a day lasted until I was
can travel to other planets after you learn to take care of this
Aliens don't believe in you, either. In fact, countless trillions
upon trillions of aliens don't believe in you. And they don't
care, either! But they were rooting for the chick on American
are a crutch. And so is the wafer. Move on."
"He was guilty
as hell, but the cops did plant the glove by the fence
and Nicole's blood on the sock."
can never travel through time. It's a problem with physics, it
won't work. If it did, everybody would be going back to meet Jesus
and he'd never get any work done."
"Yes, I loved
that one. Jesus was great! Ask Pat Robertson to die for Me,
see how far you'd get! Heck, most of you wouldn't even attend
church if it didn't have air conditioning. And how come you fly
the flags of football teams on your cars, but not God Flags? I'd
accept Jesus Flags, even Heaven Flags, but you never see that.
I'm hurt. What good are the Green Bay Packers going to do for
you? It makes no sense."
"The Jews are not 'chosen'
they're just smarter than their enemies, that's all there is to
it. Jews put much more emphasis on science, and whoever knows
the most about science wins. It's that simple."
me years to get him to figure that out. I was planting E=MC2
in Einstein's dreams for 20 years before he finally
Am I coming back? I never left! Think about it, I'm everywhere.
How can I go away?"
It was a weather
balloon with lifesize anamorphically correct dummies with tin
foil that wouldn't stay squished. Yes, the Air Force was 100%
on that one (and I didn't make little green apples).
"If the Bible
was My Word, I would have put my name on it and I wouldn't let
it be rewritten a million different ways. The Bible was supposed
to be a nice storybook about happy things and some poetry and
some history. Now look at it. There are more books explaining
what I supposedly meant in the Bible than there are Bibles. Read
some Clive Cussler for a change, those are fantastic adventure
"Nostradamus was a hoot.
Hister! Ha! I liked that one. I truly enjoyed much of his poetry,
and I should have had him work on the Bible, it would've been
was written by John while he was hopped up on wacky weed. Don't
read anything into it."
"Here's a clue: if any person claims to be acting in MY name,
but is making a ton of money doing it, he's a fraud. I don't need
money. Mother Theresa is the only one recently I can recall who
had my stamp of approval. "
is a nut, and I can prove it."
"And that reminds me, I'm going to be issuing Man of God
I.D. cards soon, and precious few of your ministers are going
to get one. It's time to get serious about this before organized
religion blasts you all back into the dark ages."
"My 'Ways' are only mysterious because you spend all your
time following celebrities instead of studying science. Every
answer is in quantum physics and DNA. Figure it out. How old is
the Earth? Ask the Earth. How come nobody is asking me if it will
ever be possible to fly? Because you figured that one out already!
Same with the others."
"Koran? Never heard of it."
"You are still only using 10% of your brain. When you get
to 50%, you'll figure out what I mean by 'Cleanliness is next
"If I answered that, you wouldn't spend enough time living
prior to death."
"Daddy drank because you cried. (The person thinking of that
question understands, the rest of you never mind.)"
big all right, but there was no "bang". Sound
can't travel in a vacuum, brainiac."
them miracles, I called them Magic Tricks. Again, it's just physics.
Figure it out."
"Really, that's it. One last question... Yes, the future
will be exactly like Star Trek. Do you think Gene Roddenberry
dreamt all that up by himself? I HolyGhost-wrote most of the episodes."
thank you very much. Just remember what I said... what?, I would
never let Satan buy somebody's soul, Tiger is just damn good.
Copyright 2002 Linky & Dinky Enterprises
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