The Wit and Wisdom of Uncle
Uncle Url is a guiding force in the lives of Linky & Dinky, and helps keep them from straying too far off of life's well-worn path. He's not shy about sharing his observations, and speaks freely, whether you're interested in listening or not.
Below are some of the pearls of wisdom he has dished out over the years, you might even call them "Url's pearls."
One day Dinky asked me, "Uncle Url, what does 'Believe in God' mean?
"Interesting question," I replied. "But the facts are, it doesn't matter whether I believe in God or not. God either exists, or he doesn't. My belief in Him one way or the other won't change that. And the fact that we still have to ask the question suggests that there is no God. Folks never ask 'Do you believe the sky is blue?' Of course not, because that idea is irrefutable. And it seems to me that the existence of an all-knowing, all-powerful God would be irrefutable as well, were He actually to exist."
"I hope that helps," I finished, smiling warmly at Dinky.
"Not really," Dinky said, "I'm trying to do this crossword puzzle. The clue is 'Believe in God", five letters starting with an "F".
"Faith." I replied, and I tipped my head skyward as I thought I heard a heavenly bell ring, and wondered if something prophetic had just happened.
"Oh for crying out loud... that's not gravy!"
"After the fast food scratch-off ticket failed to reward them with a free chili cheeseburger, Linky and Dinky vowed revenge."
"After I explained the purpose and function of each tap, neither Linky nor Dinky were scalded at bath time again."
"It struck me after they'd left the room why weren't they wearing shoes, and why were their pant legs rolled up?"
"Dinky's spirits were brightened considerably after I pointed out that a 'paranoid thought', should it prove to be correct over time, would then be considered 'good thinking'."
"In a classic example of 'out of sight, out of mind', as soon as Dinky closed his sock drawer, he completely forgot about the nest of rodents residing within."
"It was clear that I should take over as business manager of Linky & Dinky Enterprises when Linky informed me matter-of-factly: 'We don't pay taxes because we get a refund every year.'"
"If Dinky had said he heard voices in his head, or if he demonstrated multiple personalities, or had hallucinations of any kind, then I'd seek psychiatric care for him immediately. But what he said was that he was abducted by aliens last night, so I'm going to try to get him on TV."
"I usually relent to their crazy experiments, but I had to firmly put my foot down when their latest plan was to dig up my prized Willow tree and re-plant it upside-down... just to see if the exposed roots would then act as branches and sprout new leaves.
One day Linky asked me, "Uncle Url, am I a boy or a girl?" The question gave me pause, but I could only answer with the truth: "Linky, you are an imaginary character devoid of gender or sexual expression of any kind." He seemed happy with that response, and skipped off to tell Dinky.
"When I discovered the mysterious noise was coming from their bathroom, I was struck dumb with fear."
"It seems I'm always breaking up their fights. Just last weekend they were watching MTV.com and arguing fiercely over whether Cancun or Jamaica would win the Oscar for 'Best Spring Break Hook-Up Spot.'" I could only sigh.
"Oh yes, I remember my first 'Pie in the Face' gag. It was the best of pranks, and it was the worst of pranks.... and unfortunately, they've got the video to prove it."
"They laughed when Dinky sat down at the piano, but when he started to play, they just filed quietly out of the room"
"I found them in the backyard pouring a blender full of muck into small holes they had dug in the ground. I asked about it, I had to. They had taken a cup of carrot seeds and cup of tomato seeds, purée'd the concoction with some water, and were hoping to grow a new kind of 'yummy' vegetable. Two months later I tasted some, it was not good."
"I finally realized they listened to me better if I just shut up. In fact, it occured to me that trying to argue with them was like watching the 'Irresistable Conviction meet the Immovable Opinion'."
"It just doesn't make sense, once you factor in the math."
"Although we at Linky & Dinky Enterprises strive to be whimsical, we realize that as our readership grows, so does our social responsibility. That said, it should be known that this issue of the newsletter is dedicated mostly to crap on the internet."
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